Survey #3, Section 3 - Coming Out Essays

32)What suggestions would you give to others who were thinking of coming out? For example, do you have tips about how or when to come out, or suggestions about determining whether or not someone would want to know? (Optional)

Along with the multiple choice questions, the survey included a few essay questions. Some of the responses are presented below. They are sorted unscientifically. Emphasis was given to answers based on experience or that touched on aspects not covered by the multiple-choice questions. Some have been edited for length. Also, some responses were split and placed in multiple categories if the division didn't substantially affect the response.

The following thoughts and advice are provided the surveyees. They might or might not be applicable to your situation. Some items might be contradictory, or might not be good advice in general.

• Short and Pointed
• Do or Don't?
  • Do Tell
  • No 'Undo' Button
  • Know and Trust
  • Do They Need to Know?
  • Don't Tell
  • Positive Experiences
  • Negative Experiences
• People
  • Parents
  • Partners/Girlfriends/Wives
  • Others
• General Tips
  • Prepare
  • Test the Water
  • Keep it Simple
• Don't...
  • Don't Lie
  • Don't 'Get Caught'
  • Don't Make Too Much of It
• Methods and Tactics
  • Waiting for It to Come Up
  • Abortable Lead-In
  • The_Talk
  • Mutual Sharing
  • Write it
  • Start with the Easy Stuff
  • Closing Points

Short and Pointed

• "None. Each person's situation is different and to say something to them could make it worse."
• "Discuss it with some of your AB friends."
• "Be prepared for the worst."
• "Know your audience. For some of my friends, I came out during a round of sharing intimate secrets over drinks. For others, I prepared for a week or more, and had all kinds of resources ready to address any questions or concerns they had."

Do or Don't?

Do Tell

• "It helps to just get it off your chest."
• "Just, do it. It will make you feel a lot better not to have the secret."
• "Be open and honest with your feelings regarding the subject and realize that secrets will be found out, no matter how hard you try to hide them or keep them from others."
• "Be open and honest right up front. Don't hide your feelings, that doesn't get you what you want."

No 'Undo' Button

Know and Trust

• "Make sure that you can trust this person. It gives them a lot of mental and emotional control over you."
• "Know a person before telling them. Judge how they would react and either tell them or do not."
• "Don't come out unless you are absolutely positive that the person in question will at least hear you out. I waited years to tell those friends whom I felt were able to handle it."
• "A good idea would be to think it through and get an idea of what their reaction might be. Never tell someone if you're convinced that they wouldn't take it well, as instincts like that are fairly accurate."

Do They Need to Know?

• "Are you telling this for your benefit or theirs or both?"
• "Look at it from their side of view. Do they gain anything of this knowledge? If not, it may not be a good idea to tell them."
• "Be very sure who you tell, most people do not understand or want to."
• "Make sure it's necessary for them to know, don't bother telling them if they don't need to know, otherwise it may be wasted stress"
• "Only do this if it will enhance your friendship with them. For example, I've sometimes found out that some of my friends were also kinky, and decided to come out to them because it opened up new conversations we could have and deepened our friendship. But I don't advise coming out to every random acquaintance."
• "Before you tell anyone, answer yourself these two questions: Why do you want to tell them? Do they need to know?"
• "Sexual preferences and kinks are really on a need-to-know basis. Tell your significant other, maybe tell some close friends, but anyone else really doesn't need to know, nor will they likely care."

Don't Tell

• "Don't bother."
• "This isn't like being gay. No one needs to know what you do behind closed doors."
• "It's a private matter. Except to those who have similar likings, there's really no reason to tell anyone."
• "Think about this; gayism is just behind the closet door, trans-sexuality is weird ok... but ABDLism is waaaay down the rabbit hole."
• "Seriously, I'd suggest not coming out. I don't share who I last slept with with my co-workers, or the last time I masturbated with my friends, why would I tell them about this? It's a part of me, and I share it with other AB/DL's. I share other aspects of my life with other friends."
• "Don't do it....Unless you have no life or career."
• "Please do not "come out" until you've graduated from high school or college. No one will ever think of you the same way once you do."
• "Coming out is really not a good idea, I've told two people and they both struggled with even being able to comprehend it. It may be a world for us, but it does not exist for most people at all."
• "I consider this sort of thing private. If others happen to figure out about it then go ahead and explain a bit about it, otherwise it really isn't anyone else's business unless you absolutely want them to know and realize the consequences that may arise from others knowing."

Positive Experiences

• "I have "come out" to many friends by first mentioning my interest and then showing them some well chosen photographs of myself as a little. So far I've told ten or so close friends and the reaction has been 100% positive - most of them think it's very funny and cute!"
• "I am female and have dated a number of fellow ABDLs (but men). I told all of my female friends because we talk about sex and I got tired of saying 'the fetish'. I found my friends had 'fun' desires of other sorts and it was a positive thing. Tell someone, anyone... don't go crazy. Participation in this fetish is innocent and legal... (I know some weirdos ruin it.. but most of us are pretty normal, carrying careers, families, are heads of clubs, organizations etc.)."

Negative Experiences

• "Be very careful about coming out and to whom. It could be embarrassing if they out you to others, etc. Assume that person will tell others because that's what happened to me. "
• "Don't. This is a lonely lifestyle that I feel I/we are cursed with. No one really understands or wants to, or when they try they are confused by it. My loneliness, and embarrassment in trying to share my problem has lead to a lot of pain, disappointment, divorce and broken family."
• "My only advice comes from seeing too many people regret it. That tip is to think very hard about why you're coming out."

People

Parents

• "If still living with parents, wait until able to move out or know for certain sure how parents will react."
• "If you are not sure or have no reason to come out, I highly recommend keeping things top secret, especially when dealing with family."
• "Wrote my Pop, who is a cross dresser I caught dressed when I was nineteen, an e-mail telling him I'm a Sissy too. He never responded or acknowledged the message. I recently cleaned out his old Sissy clothing from his office while he sat there."
• "If you've always had close bonds with your parents, and have been willing to share secrets and concerns with them in the past, then be open and honest with them. If your parents don't like your choices as it is, then it's probably better to keep it secret."
• "Honestly, I suggest NEVER telling your parents unless you are wanting to seek treatment to get rid of the desires (Which is very rarely, if ever, successful, from what I have heard)."

Partners/Girlfriends/Wives

• "A secret like this should not be between partners, coming out is necessary there."
• "When starting a relationship it is essential to tell our new partner about it. Not doing it can ruin future life and harm both. It is destroying me and my wife."
• "Tell your girlfriend early in a relationship, within 4-6 months."
• "A series of several conversations is required to truly be accepted by your partner. It should always include affirmative, emotion-based discussions focusing on "I" statements. For instance, "I love it when you talk down to me" or "I feel so sexy when you tell me I have to wear a diaper". Being honest is key, but throwing too much into the limelight too quickly can be dangerous. If AB/DL play is not sexual for you, then you should understand that you don't really have a fetish but more of an alter-ego... which will scare away most."
• "Only my wife knows, and I don't know if there is a "right" way to come out. I finally just decided to. She's not "into it", but at least she is not "against it". So we split between vanilla and diapers."
• "It was really hard to tell my wife how I was. I lead off telling her I was a bed-wetter and had to wear diapers until the age of 17. Eventually, <a long time down the road> she came around and was willing to try a diaper on, and let me wear them. It was very hard for her at first. My suggestion is do NOT force it on anyone. Her main thing about it was 'OMG, you're a pedo.' I had to very quickly explain myself, and I thought she was going to leave me. So keep that in mind, or better yet, tell them before marriage so you can avoid this, and find someone who will accept you for who you are."
• "I didn't exactly get caught - I wet the bed a three times over a period of several months. These were all genuine accidents. In each case, it was early morning, but not time to get up and I had dozed off again. I should explain, I travel quite a lot, and when traveling I often indulge myself by wearing a diaper at night, in the privacy of my hotel room. On the occasions I wet the bed, in my half awake state, I thought I was wearing a diaper. My wife was very good about it, but on the third occasion suggested maybe I should see a doctor. That is when I summoned up all my courage and told her there was no physical problem - it was in my head. This was actually quite recently, and we are still dealing with it. The good news is that she didn't run. She wants to try and understand but is having a hard time dealing with the revelation that her strong man wants to be a dependent infant sometimes. We will just keep taking things slowly."
• "Try not to let your personal feelings of guilt/shame prevent you from telling your partner. The longer you leave it, the more difficult it becomes."
• "Make sure you already have a pretty established relationship with trust.. and that could be one week to years depending on the relationship speed. Most partners I've had have been supportive even the one who do not want to participate."
• "Most importantly, one SHOULD ALWAYS tell a significant other about this before making serious commitment. Do it when you are both in a good mood, perhaps strike up conversations about all parties' kinks. However, that person cannot make an informed decision about spending their life with you if you are not completely honest and open with them."
• "I have been married for 10 years and just told my wife. I thought it would be the end of our marriage which is why I didn't tell her until know. But I had to tell her as I wet the bed and she was wondering what was going on as I was sleep-talking about how wonderful a diaper feels to wet in. After I explained myself and confessed she was more upset about me not saying anything. Even though it was the worst thing to discuss in my life and I thought I would lose everything it is better to be honest to the one you love than to lie. "
• "I haven't come out to friends or co-workers... However, I "came out" to my girlfriend after 9 months of us dating. It was when we were just starting to get pretty serious. It ended up being very good timing, since we were serious enough that she didn't just blow me off but not "too late" for her to back out of the relationship."
• "Knowing your partner is the key to knowing when and how to tell them. Just be honest."
• "If your partner runs when you share; good, think of it as 'getting rid of someone you don't want anyways'. Better to be upfront early on than after having kids or buying a house together. Waiting too long may also make your partner think "what else are your hiding". People who truly love are people you can be who you are with."
• "If married, but no kids, best get it out on the table. Either it will be accepted, or better you split at this point if that is what it will lead to. If you have kids already, better just keep it to yourself. It is not worth risking a split in the relationship. In new/young relationships, it is a toss-up between coming out too soon without partner knowing you as 'normal,' and coming out too late such that if the relationship cannot continue, you have not invested half your dating life into a dead-end relationship."

Others

• "Its probably best to keep it between yourself and a play partner or significant other. Unless, of course, you want several friends that are specifically into the scene."
• "I am currently a full time student. I would only reveal myself to my fellow peers, and never to a fellow co-worker. I feel that is an important distinction to make, at least for myself."
• "Wear your diapers 24/7 and if someone finds out, so what? They probably will be too embarrassed to ask why you're in diapers. If they ask, share whatever your comfortable in sharing."
• "I would say keep it out of work. Be absolutely sure you can trust the person."

General Tips

Prepare

• "Have a list of reference materials (websites, etc.) on hand, be prepared for follow-up questions. Be absolutely sure of your motives for coming out. Think it through thoroughly."
• "It would be a good thing to have a link to understanding.infantilism.org handy if they are having a hard time understanding, or worse yet misunderstanding and thinking it had anything to do with actual children."
• "Think (in advance) about the negative comments that may arise and have a simple answer / solution for them."
• "Have links to useful sources, and be able to answer embarrassing questions."
• "Be prepared, because if you show signs of weakness or anxiety, that will translate into how serious people take you to be. It would help to have factual, well-written stuff for you to refer the person you are coming out to. That way they can see that this is something that isn't a "sickness" peculiar to you."
• "You cannot expect others to understand, so you must help them to understand, answer their questions, but not overwhelm them with too much too fast. See yourself as a mediator between the person you are coming out to and a world of emotions that may be foreign to them. Most importantly, be honest and respectful at all times."

Test the Water

• "I am lucky in the sense that I volunteer as a sex educator, so the topic of human sexuality comes up often. I can use my discussions about fetishes and paraphilias to gauge people's responses if I were to reveal myself to them."
• "Be careful, before you "come out" to the other person observe them with some of your other friends around and try and talk about something like gay/lesbian rights to see their take on it. If they are neutral or supportive you could probably tell them but if they are against it or trying to hide their dislike for gays/lesbians then don't tell them."
• "My suggestion has always been the same. Before telling someone, first pay close attention to their attitude towards other things like bi/homosexuality, race, etc... Studying this will help in knowing if that person will accept you or not accept you."
• "I'd recommend that, before jumping into the 'I wear diapers' speech, test their reaction. For instance, if the topic segues into say, the weirdest kink you've ever heard of, mention the fetish in a way that doesn't relate to you. Say something like, "Well I've heard of people that do this." If they respond by saying, "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard," then coming out to them wouldn't be a smart idea."

Keep it Simple

• "Keep it simple and basic. Always follow verbal and physical cues and cut the conversation short should it be obvious that the participating individual is not comfortable with the topic."
• "Don't get into too much detail at the start. For me, I found it suffices to say that in private I like to act like I'm much younger than I am. Let that sink in, and then proceed."
• "Only the basic facts need to be revealed at first, and additional information regarding "feelings" and "causality" leading to one's fetishism needs to be offered only as requested and seems that it can be handled and dealt with objectively and not solely emotionally."
• "Don't overwhelm the person with T.M.I all at once.

Don't...

Don't 'Get Caught'

• "Be honest and up-front before you are found out or forced to explain. It's always better to be proactive than reactive."
• "Having Mom or Boss discover pics online of you in diapers is NEVER a good way."
• "Don't get 'caught', don't do this when you are not in a position when you can fully explain your feelings - all of this will just lead to misunderstandings and misconceptions."
• "If you choose to get 'caught', or even risk getting caught by trying to hide it, you better have a Plan B. Otherwise, people tend to think the worst: He's hiding something, it must be REALLY bad!"

Don't Lie

• "Be proud of who you are. Don't lie about wanting or not wanting to take part in any aspect of age-play."
• "You can try to lie about wearing and say you need them but sometimes you can get caught in a lie so it's not worth it. Be true to yourself."

Don't Make Too Much of It

• "Whatever you do, don't be ashamed about it; this is a fun silly thing you get off on, no different from any other kink, and there's no reason to treat it like a deep dark secret."
• "Chances are that if people are cool with other weird things you might do, they wouldn't be too shocked to find out you are an AB/DL, as long as you don't make the coming out too creepy."
• "If you are guilt-ridden and stammering, you'll make people uncomfortable and then they'll be less receptive to the idea."
• "Explain without being defensive. Don't assume some one won't accept you."
• "Don't make [being an AB/DL] a huge, character-defining feature."
• "Most people will use your opinion on the subject to react: if you consider/present it as something just a little kinky, they will react little amused at most. If you consider/present it as weird, they will do the same."

Methods and Tactics

Waiting for It to Come Up

• "Don't do it unless the topic comes up. With friends close enough to discuss intimate subjects and personal quirks, I've come out as part of such discussions. With coworkers and other less close friends, the subject has never come up, so I never talk about it. Short version: Don't force it, don't feel like you have to show it... but don't feel like you have to be forced to hide it if the subject does come up."

Abortable Lead-In

• "Talk about a TV show or article you read about AB/DL see what they think/comment about it before coming out."
• "I found that finding some common interests that can be used as a lead-in works well. For example, if your partner is fond of Anime (especially Hentai) then you can pretty much introduce them to ANYTHING and judge their reactions."

The_Talk

• "Wait for a time when the person you want to tell is in a good mood, and you can talk to them alone in a neutral environment."
• "When bringing it up, I think it'd be best to know what you're going to say and be prepared for anything that comes out of their mouth. Try to let it out slowly. Don't just burst out something blunt and confusing, sit down and turn all distracting things off and just talk about it without sounding too creepy. Try to make them understand that it's not a big deal, it's not harmful, I'm not trying to get you involved in it, etc. I just thought you should know and hope you can accept it. Just make sure you trust in this person's understanding because you can never undo it once it's been done."
• "Talk alone with one person, not in group."

Mutual Sharing

• "Always ask if they have fetishes first and see how they react to the conversation. If they are not "kinky", it may be a rough ride if you tell them."
• "Bring it up when everyone is sharing fantasies. A bit of liquid courage can help but don't get completely drunk."

Write it

• "I prepared a document explaining the evolution of my fetish, and focusing on the bio/psycho/social origins of said fetish. I then presented it to the three individuals to whom I am eternally loyal, all of whom accepted the revelation gracefully."
• "Write a letter or email"
• "Write a detailed letter and tell them to read it when they are alone."

Start with the Easy Stuff

• "Give them exposure to you engaging in minor things like hugging a teddy bear and snuggling up to a blankie. Wearing childish clothes that aren't clearly AB isn't bad, either, depending on the setting. Even if it doesn't crystallize into a concrete thought "Oh, so-and-so is doing babyish things," seeing little things like that and then putting it together during a conversation later on, it's easier to point out "These things didn't scare you or freak you out before I told you - I'm still the person you knew, this is just one other aspect of me."

Closing Points

• "Give information and tell them if they have any questions to ask - and ask them to respect your privacy by not telling anyone else."
• "99% of the time they don't want to be involved. So if you do decide to tell someone for whatever reason, don't push things for your own gratification."

Email BitterGrey Last Update: 3 Aug 2011

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