Understanding Infantilism (.org)
Section 2 of Thomas John Speaker's Doctoral dissertation "Psychosexual Infantilism in Adults: The eroticization of regression"
An early phase of this research involved re-establishing contact with the 12 persons providing case histories in 1980 (Speaker, 1980). This contact accrued 7 of the original 12 and resulted tin interesting information regarding the viability of infantilism over 5 years. Four others did not complete the survey although 2 did update case histories. One of the original subjects moved without a forwarding address.
The follow-up data is best presented as individual cases in the manner the original data were reported. Names have been changed to preserve anonymity and locations are not reported.
*"A" Ronald his now 55 years old, married and a teacher. His infantilism began with an interest in rubber pants which gradually shifted to include diapers.
* Note: the original histories were identified only by letter.
He feels his interest in rubber pants was fixed by an incident at age 4 or 5 when he agreed to "play baby" with a slightly older girl...
"There may have been some small positive reactions to rubber even before the incident. I have no way to know this. However the trauma of the incident made it stick. I cannot remember the details and have always wished for a good hypnotist to try and go back through the experience. All I know is that I agreed to "play baby". I know I was lying down and she was going to "baby me" -- whether with rubber pants or both diapers and rubber pants. At some point...the mother came out from the house quite hysterical over our activities and banished me from there (forever). There was a fearsome German shepherd that got into the act there somewhere also. So, the very indelible impression. I am not sure I consciously remembered this experience until many years later but the mixed pleasure/fear/guilt feelings were strongly embedded.... From that time on, I was very attracted to rubber baby pants." (Speaker, 1980, p. 13).
He is still more aroused by rubber than by diapers and said that he now wears rubber pants daily. He also reported using baby powder more often than he wears diapers. Baby powder is often used as a lubricant and preservative for latex clothing:
Take in his rubber panties as soon as they are dry because sunlight injures the rubber. Baby powder will keep them from adhering and make them smell baby sweet.... (Brownleigh, 1982, p. 46, emphasis mine).
Ronald was the youngest of three children (7 years younger than the closest of his older sisters). He recalls a normal toilet training with occasional episodes of enuresis. Diapers were discontinued before age 3, although he recalls sleeping in a crib until age 5. He feels his parents treated him normally for his age. He said he was a victim of physical abuse as a child.
Ronald's first orgasm occurred around age 12 when he was masturbating "while standing in a poolhouse shower in a latex bathing suit" (Speaker, 1980, p. 14). He resumed diaper use "by personal choice" about 2 years later and experienced sexual arousal while wearing them.
Growing into adulthood he experienced sexual arousal without the presence of fetish objects, "normal heterosexual and homosexual activities". He also involved fetish objects in sexuality at times and included rubber in marital sex at one point:
After my wife "discovered" [the fetish], we experimented a few times wearing rubber pants. I was excited but also embarrassed. She even knows about my infantile desires, but we never got around to that. For awhile she let me wear as much rubber as I wanted but I always felt nervous and guilty about it. While we had some fantastic sex in rubber pants (one pair of rubber bloomers was virtually destroyed in one season!), it didn't take. It bothered her and she felt my wearing rubber pants had transvestite overtones so we desisted. We did (and do) keep a soft rubber sheet on the bed which we both find stimulating, especially applied during excitement to the thigh and groin area. This has a practical use as well since we use coconut oil for lubrication [during sex]. This is our "compromise" (Ibid., p. 15).
Ronald was unclear about the role the fetish plays in marital sex today but said "no one" participates in his infantile activities. He described his current level of behavior this way:*
* Definitions of frequency: never means never; rare means less than once per year; sometimes means 1-10 times per year; often means 1-20 times per month; and daily means more than 20 times per month.
He wears diapers with rubber or plastic pants 1-2 times per month and uses a rubber sheet. He wears rubber pants daily. He "sometimes" wets himself and rarely soils. (Wetting is more common during the day.) He will sometimes drink from a bottle, nurse at a breast or use a pacifier, sometimes drinks baby formula and sometimes will use an enema. He rarely wets at night, soils the diapers, wears a bib, plays with a teddy bear or wears other baby clothing. He rarely will use laxatives for loss of bowel control or uses a diaper pail.
Ronald is likely concealing his infantilism activities from his wife, given her earlier disapproval. He notes that infantilism has "caused conflict with me and my wife". Still, he finds infantilism "a turn-on and an emotional pressure valve".
Given the choice Ronald would increase his level of infantile activities to include "periods (weekends, etc.) of complete infantilism with a partner, perhaps another male baby". (He said he has rarely acted out his "baby games" with other infantilists.) Ideally, Ronald would like to "pass" during the day ("wear diapers and rubber pants under normal clothes by day") and experience "full infantilism at night" involving more baby clothes and a more complete experience of an infantile lifestyle. He is "fairly satisfied" with both his current level of infantilism and his steady sex partner, but is pessimistic about achieving his fantasies in the future.
"B" Alex is a 54 year old married male. He works as an insurance broker. Alex expressed an interest in participating but did not return the survey. He wrote the following update:
This summer produced more revelations, openness, relaxations and enjoyment than did the years since your last survey (1980). While my accessories such as bottle, formula, pacifiers, bonnet and bibs have not yet "come out", my baby pants, diapers and rubber sheets are practically a daily pleasure...seldom is there a night without plastic or rubber pants worn over my briefs or training pants - sometimes under pajamas, sometimes without.
About [twice as month] (bedtime finds me in a disposable diaper or several cloth diapers and baby pants, ready both for sexual play and nocturnal wetting. Each morning finds me in a sagging diaper or briefs and baby pants (dry or wet) for my 6 A.M. breakfast before showering, etc. (One hot summer morning this summer I pulled open the front door to retrieve the morning newspaper to find myself face-to-face with the delivery boy as he said "Good morning" and my plastic pants drooped beneath my pajama top - now I look before I leap....)
My side of the bed now is constantly made up with a rubber sheet "just in case". Each of the five protective sheets is now folded and stored with the standard bedding. They are youth-bed size. I prefer the three smooth, plain rubber sheets, so similar to those of my youth and my teen masturbation experiences.
Once in a great while my wife will powder me and pin on my diapers (or tape on the disposable) and put my panties on me but diapering and changing are normally my tasks.
Rubber pants are a shower-wash item while plastic pants accompany wet or spotted diapers to the basement laundry. (We've even restored the old white, blue-edged enameled diaper pail to use.) Disposables go in plastic diaper bags to the garbage.
Pre-bedtime, morning and weekend hours often find me toddling about the house in bulging baby pants with just a PJ top or sweatshirt and moccasins.
All of the above constitute an honesty, sharing, freedom and enjoyment made possible through a close, loving marriage...accentuated now that our youngsters are on their own.... A weekend or vacation at our cabin "retreat" in a secluded woods has become a true joy, even to the point of using the outdoor clothesline for drying diapers and baby pants...also an occasional airing of the rubber sheet. So open, shared and enjoyed is my other-self, that my solitary "total baby play" with nursing bottles, pacifiers, bonnet, bibs, pink plastic rhumba panties, etc. is a thing of the past or...very, very rare. Sexually, it all fits so well!, As always, we both enjoy mutual hugging, fondling and manual stimulation as much as intercourse. It is an occasional thrill to have my wife pull down my wetproof pants and diaper to initiate intercourse, yet she enjoys being brought to manual climax as I "nurse" or cuddle, after which she'll sit up to stroke my baby pants until I "wet" (ejaculate). My actual wettings occur at night or in pre-dawn hours and may or may not result in more sexplay.
As my enjoyment of diapers and baby pants have been more expressed and shared, so has the twinge of embarrassment at being seen in them by my loving wife lessened. Now, as prospective grandparents, we can once again browse the baby departments during our shopping trips, sharing our secrets, humor and suggestive teasing which she knows will excite me (c.f. Cole, 1982). It is fun. Seldom do we pass an infants' department in our haste as we used to do, leaving me so frustrated.
Closeness, sharing, enjoying, freedom and confidences seemed to mushroom as we adjusted [to the "empty nest"]. Both being from reserved, proper, Puritan-type family backgrounds, it took till now for me to initiate [cunnilingus] to my wife and for her to admit she enjoys it periodically in our "play". It has become my true joy to soak my diapers as I "nurse" in cunnilingus fashion. While she is not disposed to [felatio] it is no deterrent to our pleasures. (It has been a long, long time since my wife has referred to infantilism or [oral sex] as "queer" things.)
One factor [aiding communication about infantile desires] was my frequent and repeated whispers (as we neared climax) of my fear that I might "wet when I come"... I often likened the wetting-fear to wet dreams and that I once wet my pants after petting date we'd had years ago. Whispering admissions about wetting... my pants or the bed intensified my arousal and climax. My wife recognized and responded to the heightened "frenzy" I exhibited.... Thus my first appearance in diapers at bedtime came as no great shock as I revealed I wanted to "let it all go tonight". She had, for many years, always noted and marveled at my over~abundance of seminal fluid when aroused, even to the point of "spotting" my trousers profusely. These months of "conditioning" have led to an acceptance of my concern, stimulation and risk of "leaking" as a boyhood/teen-rooted fact [and] we now use, protect against and quite enjoy [the fantasy] often. As another infantilist said, "I sleep so soundly like a baby, in my diapers and rubber pants" (personal correspondence, Oct. 2, 1985).
"C" Louis is a 52 year old divorced bisexual male. (In his original case he understated his age by 5 years.) He was a bedwetter and was diapered until the age of 12.
At age 12 he attended a summer camp for handicapped children, many of whom were also incontinent. Although Louis had masturbated since age 9, he had his first sexual experience with a partner there. (A 15 year old male, also incontinent, masturbated him and taught him felatio.) He noted that his earliest orgasms occurred while masturbating in wet diapers, a variation of infantilism he enjoys still.
After 9 years of marriage (during which he kept infantilism a secret from his wife), Louis developed a bladder problem requiring surgery. After surgery he became enuretic again and
...since I enjoyed the feelings of wet diapers anyway, I began to wear diapers day and night. This seemed to turn my wife off and we had sex less and less. A year later she started seeing another man at her workplace and we were divorced (Speaker, 1980, p. 31).
Louis has the poorest health of any survey respondent. He is an XXY genotype and requires regular testosterone injections. Within the past year he was diagnosed as having multiple sclerosis and has a history of bladder and prostate conditions. (He also uses a greater number of prescription medications than any other subject: "hypertension, bladder and prostate medication and hormone injections".) As a side-effect of prescribed intermittent self-catheterization for urine retention, Louis has lost most bladder control; "I now must wear a male urinal and leg bag at work and always must wear diapers at home", he said.
Louis considers himself a true bisexual (absolutely equal preference for males and females) although all sex in the last 5 years has involved "men who love wet diapers". Louis is also a star of the correspondence networks for infantilists having written over 250 men since his divorce.
He was the youngest of 3 children and feels his parents treated him normally for his age. He feels he reached puberty later than his peers (likely with hormonal deficits) but reached orgasm first at age 9.
Enuresis ended at age 13, but he returned to diapers at age 15. No one knew about his infantilism until he told his a wife. During his marriage he continued to masturbate in his diapers but also had a normal heterosexual relationship.
Today Louis is enuretic, wears diapers and has a rubber sheet on his bed daily. He uses baby powder, oil, lotion and a diaper pail daily and wears a "baby-style nightgown" to bad each night. He often wears plastic or rubber pants and wets during the day. At home he will often wear a "baby dress" and "is interested in meeting [another] who also enjoys being a girl baby.... I love to wear pink latex rubber panties". He sometimes uses a pacifier or baby bottle. Rarely will he use an enema or diaper rash medications. He never soils his diapers. His sex partners share his arousal by diapers, especially wet diapers, and he also masturbates often while wearing them.
Louis denies diapers ever caused problems for him (although his fetish seems a primary cause of his divorce) and has never sought therapy. Infantilism has "helped me meet other men for baby games". He is "very satisfied" with his current level of infantilistic activity and is currently writing to a person who can fulfill his ultimate fantasy:
... a male to female post-operative transsexual who enjoys wet diapers. We just started corresponding and I have many questions to ask her.
"D" Damien is a 47 year old gay male. He was contacted and expressed a wish not to participate in follow-up research. "To divulge personal information...seems risky and made me uncomfortable about answering...your questions in detail. " (personal correspondence, Jan. 25, 1985)
"E" Bobby is a"37 year old gay male. He has an advanced degree and lists occupation as "professional". He is one of the most prolific writers of infantilist fantasy having completed "104 episodes or stories of my own".
Bobby was not a bedwetter or a victim of child abuse. He feels his interest in diapers began in early adolescence (age 9-11):
I just remember that in junior high school I started using towels and pillowcases as diapers and wetting them when no one was home (Speaker, p. 37).
In 1980 he described his infantilistic behavior as "... fairly regular use [of diapers]...this varies from weekend use which can be all day and night to once or twice [a week] on week nights" (Ibid.). Today Bobby wears diapers and plastic pants, sleeps on a rubber sheet and wets nightly. He uses a diaper pail daily. Weekends are spent entirely in diapers which he will wet and soil; weekdays diapers are worn only at night. 'Sometimes' he will use baby oil, powder and lotion, play with a teddy bear, wear adult-sized sleeper, sunsuit and a latex romper. He rarely uses diaper rash remedies, enemas or suppositories, or wears bibs or uses a pacifier.
Bobby is also active in the "baby party" scene, social gatherings of infantilists. At parties Bobby wears "diapers, plastic pants, booties, bonnet, diaper top or a baby dress... mainly as a costume... at baby parties, Halloween, etc....in a submissive role". He also likes to act out fantasies with other infantilists and, ("on rare occasions") will be dominant: "I love to dress...submissive partners in diapers and other baby clothes".
He said he masturbates in diapers "2-6 times per week". Sexual development included non-infantilist experiences ("normal male-male sex, normal male-female sex and S and M [sadism and masochism] as top and bottom [dominant and submissive])". Infantilism sexual experiences include, "being both a dominant daddy and a submissive baby; also just gay sex with diapers on (usually as dominant)".
Bobby does not believe psychosexual infantilism has interfered in his relationships, nor has it caused him to seek psychotherapy (although 5 years ago he considered therapy", not to change things but to gain further self insight" (Ibid., pp. 39-40).
Bobby has acquired a large collection of adult baby clothing, infantilist fantasy literature and has corresponded with "several hundred" infantilists in his lifetime. He has never used a professional dominant or submissive and estimates annual expenditures for the fetish at $900. He is "fairly satisfied" with his level of infantilism but would like to be dominated by a female for dominate "an 18 year old male baby slave". Ultimate fantasies involve:
Props for these fantasies would include "an adult-size nursery (with crib, bathinette, highchair, playpen) and a discipline room". (Bobby enjoys mild bondage with leather and rubber, mild public exposure (e.g. baby parties), humiliation and pornography.)
Describing a fantasy he desires to act out he said:
A no-restrictions day...I would not want a total infantile life but the following might be fun:
- Sun bathing at a crowded beach in diddies and infantile outfit (and having diapers changed there in public).
- Having a nanny [do infant care] for a weekend.
- Going to an adult-baby birthday party where in each couple one partner was the adult and the other a baby.
Bobby is philosophical about infantilism:
I recognize that life would be socially and professionally simpler and more secure if I were "normal" (i.e. heterosexual and non-infantilist) but then I wouldn't be me would I? What I am, I am.
He wants to find "a fully understanding and loving partner (male or female)...[and] would like to see a world more tolerant of non-harmful sexual aberrations".
"F" Lawrence is a 33 Year old married male. He has an advanced degree and works as a "supervisor". He enjoys dominance and submission (usually as a submissive) and infantilism.
Lawrence, the oldest of 4 children was neither abused nor enuretic as a child and was treated normally for his age by his parents. He said he felt a desire to regress as he entered puberty:
I felt I wanted to escape the pressures of being the oldest [child] and began to have fantasies of being a baby in diapers again...[I] used to crawl I around... fantasizing I was an infant. During this time I had my first orgasm (Speaker, p.41).
In 1980 he said, "I feel I cannot share my baby side with my wife...I have carefully hidden all my baby items and only baby myself when she is away" (Ibid. p. 42). Sometime during the past 5 years he did tell his wife:
Her reaction was one of total disbelief and incomprehension. She worried I wanted to molest children or become a total infant under her care - it took a long time to explain the fetish and what it meant to her. Her acceptance has varied widely. During a move she threw out all my baby things including a matching bib and diaper cover she had made me for Christmas. We didn't discuss it for almost a year... but my interest keeps coming back.
They have reached an "understanding" and she will now "diaper and put plastic pants on me and use baby lotion and powder about once a month when the children are gone". While diapered he enjoys oral sex with her and often will have intercourse. In between "babying" Lawrence and his wife have sex which does not involve fetish objects. He said she does not like or encourage the fetish but will sometimes joke about my interests".* He describes his current level of infantilism 'as use of diapers, plastic pants, baby oil and powder, and using a baby bottle "sometimes" (1-2 times per month). He rarely wets the diapers, nurses from a breast, wears a bib, booties, and uses a pacifier and eats baby food. He never soils himself. He described himself as a "latent baby" (little or no opportunity to act out his fantasies) although few infantilists have as willing a partner.
* See also K. C. Cole, 1982
Other than a participating partner, Lawrence is also unusual in that a peer knew of his fetish at age 15:
I once told a steady girlfriend about my interest in wearing diapers and plastic pants at about 15 years old. (I guess I wanted her to 'baby me' as we were having regular manual and oral sex - no intercourse.) She reassured me I was OK, and then dropped the subject permanently.
Besides his wife and the girlfriend, correspondents (about 35 men in the past 8 years) knew of his interest in infantilism. Lawrence is "fairly unsatisfied" with his present level of fetish activities and would like to increase the frequency of opportunities to act out the fetish; "I would like to have my spouse engage in "diaper discipline" [dominance involving the forced wearing of diapers] with me more spontaneously. Without restriction he would "wear diapers nightly". His ultimate fantasy is "being forced into diapers and an infantile lifestyle for a week or more...". Props for this fantasy include: "cloth diapers, plastic pants, diaper pail and baby clothes", and the participation of "former [female] lovers taking dominant roles over me". He is pessimistic about achieving these fantasies but feels he can reach a level of "less fear and more understanding" with my wife.
"G" Richard is a 40 year old gay male. He did not complete the survey but sent this update of his case history:
...[I]t has been a while since we've communicated. In fact, there have been times when I wished that we had kept up the communication. I suppose I had something or other to talk over with you but since we hadn't talked in so long I just let it pass. Anyway, I'm just into my thick night diapers and will sit down to write a little before bedtime. I have had a very busy schedule for the past few months and somehow kept putting off writing to I you. I confess I'm not into filling out that quite lengthy survey but will respond to parts of it.
I am still very much into the scene with diapers. In the past 5 years my need for them has remained constant. I am always trying new things: new pant styles, new diaper styles, etc. I don't think I use diapers as often at work as I did 5 years ago. [He is an office clerk.] This is partly due to the fear of leakage in front of my coworkers or fear that the bulk of the diapers might appear too obvious. I do feel there are more things on the market now for adults with incontinence problems. Wonderful! The latest craze - the home health care movement - has helped a lot, too. One can readily pick up disposable diapers, plastic pants, etc. at any pharmacy rather than having to go to a medical supply store. I find it all rather exciting.
At this time I do not have a lover. That's OK with me. I'm quite content to be by myself with the diapers, of course. I do enjoy sexual encounters with gay men who like the diaper scene. Diapers are not a strict requirement for sex but are most certainly preferable. Over the past 5 years I have come to know many men [who] enjoy and use diapers and baby items. This has been helpful to me in that I am more accepting of my own use of diapers. I hardly ever use other baby items (such as bottles, pacifiers, dolls) any more. I have these and will use them if I'm with a partner who likes them. I use diapers (cloth or disposable), plastic and occasionally rubber pants...diaper pins and sometimes baby powder, oil or lotion. I regularly use a diaper pail. My diaper fantasies have not changed over the past 5 years.
There is one notable change, that would be my use of catheters. I have a lot of experience with internal as well as external catheters. Due to the risk of infection involved in the use of internal catheters (and having experienced one) I have, alas, come to limit myself to external catheter use only. A couple of comments:What I don't like about catheters is that I miss that warm wet feeling (and odor) associated with diapers. So now I use a catheter only as it suits me. If I get tired of it or prefer a diaper, I change to diapers. The catheter seems to be the adult way to deal with incontinence and I much prefer the babyish way - diapers - yet, for the sake of convenience I give in and use the catheter at times.... I'm able to wet whenever (diapers or catheter). Sometimes I'll even wear diapers with the catheter still on (no bag or drainage tube) usually at night when I know I'll be using a catheter all the next day.*
- Use of catheters does not excite me like the diapers do. (They even turn me off at times - leg bags, straps and all.)
- I enjoy catheters because they allow me the feelings of wetting without actually doing so. They are great for use at work or while in public. (No worries about bulk or the (slight) risk of leaking.) Using catheters cuts down on my diaper laundry, and is cheaper than disposable diapers. (A disposable diaper might cost $.65-$.70 and can only be wet about twice before changing. One disposable catheter costs $.79-$1.15 but will last all day.)
* Richard was taught catheterization by Louis. Louis' favorites sensation from catheter use was loss of bladder control: "Now once or twice a week I use a Foley #14 indwelling catheter for wetting my diapers uncontrollably" (Louis, personal correspondence, Sept. 16, 1984).
I remember I once wrote you about some conflict I was having about this whole scene [infantilism] interfering with my spirituality.... I've made some progress with this [issue] but I don't know if I'll ever get to the point where I think the ratio [time spent on each] is comfortable. You understand, I don't think there's anything wrong with diapers and the catheter but I do still get quite "carried away" with it mentally, physically and, especially, emotionally.
...on the matter of my spirituality versus my obsession with the fetish. I think it could be a matter of disciplining myself to spend time thinking about God or praying, wouldn't you say? I engage in the scene to fill some emotional need, but by choice. I prefer it and enjoy it. If I had the choice I would increase somewhat my level of infantilism. My present level is best described by your category "Toddler" [See appendix A]. It is true that I am most always using a catheter (daytimes at work) or diapers (all other times). I am almost never without one or the other. Others in the scene are the only ones who know of my interests. (One or two of my family members know about it but will not openly discuss it in any way, even on the rare occasion I have mentioned it.)
I do receive the D.P.F. [Diaper Pail Fraternity] publication and often others send me stories related to infantilism. I keep a scrapbook of photos of other men in diapers (no women), cartoons, newspaper clippings, etc. and all related subject I matter (diapers, infantilism, incontinence, etc.). I am alone in [infantilism] except for the occasional participation of a friend.
My fascination with catheters...rather confuses me. It is not an infantile practice (although the freedom to wet at any time may be)" (personal correspondence, Dec. 12, 1984).
"H" Salvadore is now a 51 year old widowed male. He moved without a forwarding address. In the last letter he said:
I am still into wearing diapers and rubber and nylon panties and am very much a man who appreciates women. My wife will have passed away almost 4 years now and I still miss her. I am open to getting married again, but haven't found the right woman yet. I won't give up hope (personal correspondence, Feb. 28, 1982).
"J" Ricardo is a 49 year old widower. He has a bachelor's degree hand works as a "professional". He enjoys bondage and infantilism.
The youngest child, he was enuretic "1-2 days a month" until age 15. If he wet the bed 2 nights in a row his mother would diaper him until he had a dry night. This occurred regularly. (He said he also wore diapers during the daytime after his third birthday.) About "age 10 or 12 I realized I liked wearing the diaper and also liked the rubber sheet although each was extremely embarrassing" (Speaker, p. 50). He went and bought his own diapers and rubber pants about this time for use in masturbation 3-4 times per month. He continued diaper use after his mother discontinued it. He said his parents treated him as normal for his age and did not use diapers in a punitive way:
She carefully explained that the diaper was to help me. It would keep me warm and also help keep down [the amount of] the laundry.... Without a dryer my washed diapers had to be hung out on the clothesline to dry.... It did not seem that she did it to embarrass me. It just seemed practical... " (Ibid.).
Ricardo feels his mother "suspected [his attraction to diapers] and was mildly negative toward it". He has never had a partner participate in infantile activities. All marital sex occurred without the presence of fetish objects.
Ricardo says he wears diapers and rubber pants daily, sleeps on a rubber sheet and wets at night both consciously and in his sleep. He will sometimes wear plastic pants or a romper suit, wet during the day or use diaper rash medication. (He uses baby lotion, powder and a diaper pail daily.) He often wears a diaper-top, nightgown or sleeper. He has never nursed at a breast but has "rarely" tried all the other choices including using a highchair, playpen and crib. No one participates in infantile activities but he is an active correspondent with others. He functions at the "toddler" level and masturbates in diapers "2-3 times per month". He noted an interesting phenomenon:
After masturbation the whole idea of infantilism is repugnant for about 1-2 hours. Interest slowly returns and is back to normal in about 8 hours.
Infantilism "mildly restricts relationships", he said, but also "makes me feel good and settles me down when I'm upset". He is heterosexual but not currently in a relationship. Ricardo once consulted a psychiatrist about the fetish: "he said to do it as long as it doesn't interfere with my life".
Ricardo would increase his level of infantilism to be more "the life of a baby being cared for" which he envisions as:
Wake up with wet diapers; be fed cereal and formula in a high chair; given a bath, diaper changes; play in a playpen or outside on a porch; baby food for dinner; diapered and rubber pantied for bed; sleep in a crib.
Props to be included are a crib, baby clothes and a playpen and his fantasy would involve "an understanding female" to mother him. He spent $200 on infantilism last year and is "very satisfied" with current infantilism although he wants to introduce more variety to his fantasies.
"K" Susan is now a 29 year old married woman. She was the only woman to answer the 1980 survey and was a teacher at that time. Susan was enuretic (as was most of her family) and did not ever gain complete control of her bladder. Early sexual experiences involved diapers occasionally but she also had heterosexual and lesbian sex which did not include infantilism (Speaker, pp. 54-56).
Susan did not answer the survey. In her last letter (1982) she noted upcoming changes:
I am currently enjoying a wonderful relationship with a guy I met at the school about a year and a half ago. We actually have gotten very serious and are looking toward marriage sometime late this year or early next.... He knows about my bedwetting, and my method of dealing with it [diapers], but I don't think he fully realizes what wearing diapers and "babying out" means to me. We have talked about it, and I think he has an idea how turned on I get when in diapers, but I've moved very slowly and have let him absorb (a little pun) a little at a time. When we first slept together I had to go out and get some real adult-style incontinent pants. I'm using Kleinert's Hygias [plastic pants] because they give me the babyish effect I like and yet are adult-style on packaging, etc... My next step will be the Gerbers and then on to the [really babyish] stuff. I just feel if I were to show up in my "rhumba seat" panties or baby print vinyl pants, he might not be able to handle it.... Right now, when he sees me in diapers he thinks I'm "adorable" (personal correspondence, March 26, 1982).
"L" Carlos is a 39 Year old gay male living with his lover. He is a banker.
Carlos was the oldest of 4 children and was out of diapers by age 4. He said he felt an interest in regression off and on after that time, but it was as a 12 year old, caring for younger siblings in diapers, that he started wearing diapers, plastic pants and wetting again. Masturbation also began about this time; first orgasm was at 13. Puberty was at the same time as peers and his parents treated him age-appropriately. At "15 or 16 I was introduced to gay sex by a 60 year old friend of the family but I wanted it and participated freely".
Carlos had "alot of homosexual experiences when I came out, for 4 years afterward and continuing with my lover" not involving infantilism. Infantilism has involved "diaper friends I have made over the years... with the real cute ones, after wetting and changing diapers we'd end in sex".
Carlos keeps a rubber sheet on his bed. He wears diapers and plastic pants, and uses baby powder, oil and diaper pail often. He will soil his diaper sometimes. He rarely uses a bottle, pacifier or bib. "Friends" participate in infantile activities with him although it appears his lover does not. Diapers serve him "in personal life as a stress reducer; in my relationships they work as a way to reduce sexual tension and problems of mistiming and minimizes urges for cruising or sex hunger not satisfied in the relationship".
Carlos is "fairly satisfied" with his level of infantilistic activities and would not change anything. He estimates his expenditures as $150 last year.
His ultimate fantasy:
Have 1 or 2 teenagers spend the month with me. They turn out to have bedwetting problems and have to have diapers put on to protect them. Or befriending a next door teenager who is a bedwetter and showing him how to protect himself by diapering and putting plastic pants on him when he spends the night.
He is held back from acting the fantasy out by "social and legal restraints". Carlos would like to find "other diaper friends in my area to visit and share diaper experiences with or to have... a diaper party where diaper people attempt to communicate with each other with less shyness".
"M" Sonny is a 41 year old bisexual male. He is an actor. The oldest of 2 children, he was not a bedwetter nor abused as a child. He thought his infantilism originated in sibling rivalry:
At age 4 1/2 my baby brother was born. I remember my mother diapering, and giving him much of the attention that, prior to his birth, had gone to me. I guess I was jealous... and began to have fantasies of wearing diapers. From then through my teenage years I made diapers and plastic pants from pillowcases, old sheets, towels and plastic bags. I had my creations.... when I started to have wet dreams I wore the diapers to protect the bed sheets (Speaker, p.61).
Sonny was a pioneer in infantilism in that he set up perhaps the first correspondence network for this fetish:
At
that time (1968) I was reading the LA
Free
Press,
The
Advocate,
and the East
Village
Other
looking for ads from anyone
into infantilism. I read every
issue for several years and saw nothing. I thought that maybe I was
the only one into this scene. Finally in 1970 (or '71), I placed an
ad in the LA
Free
Press,
the first time for an infantile ad to my knowledge. (The LA
Free
Press
refused my ad at first thinking I wanted to have sex with babies!) I
got four letters from that first ad and each was very
exciting !!
Over
the years I've placed ads in Fetish
Times,
The
Advocate,
Rubber
Life
and other publications. I've
met and corresponded with several hundred guys. Most have been
straight (since there are more straight people in the world) and many
married. And most have wives that just "don't understand".
I've met people from all walks of life, all professions and ages. I
know people everywhere and it has become almost a hobby
rather than a fetish !
But it still turns me on. I've found that people into this thing
usually fall into two categories: (1) those really into infantilism,
i.e., playing an infant with all the equipment [and] with a
(dominant) mother or dad, and (2) those who just like wearing
diapers, wetting or soiling them in the process (as adults) (Ibid).
Sonny felt his parents treated him age-appropriately but that he reached puberty later than his peers. (First orgasm with a partner was at age 19.) He described his attraction to diapers as, "a mysterious high as a child (5-12) [and] more erotic as a teenager". He said he has had "very satisfying" hetero- and homosexual experiences not involving diapers. Sex with diapers on is "even better than without when used as foreplay".
Current level of infantilism is described as wearing diapers, plastic pants and a sleeper often, and combined with use of baby powder, lotion and oil. He often wets during the day, sometimes at night; he soils sometimes. He sometimes wears rubber pants, a bib, pacifier, diaper tops, a romper or sunsuit. He sometimes eats baby food, sleeps in an adult-size crib and plays with a teddy bear. He rarely uses a rubber sheet, breastfeeds, uses a high chair or playpen, diaper-rash ointments, enemas, drinks formula or uses a diaper pail.
Sonny wets occasionally all day; he wets both awake and asleep. Infantilism friends participate in activities with him. (He has organized baby parties in his area attended by 6-12 men.) Sonny says his infantilism level is at the "toddler" stage.
Diapers are still very arousing and he masturbates "every time I wear them". He is not currently involved in a sexual relationship and notes his use of diapers "has turned off several lovers (male and female)". Infantilism also:
has given me much pleasure. I think of it as a bonus in my life.
To Sonny infantilism is both a type of foreplay and a lifestyle. He estimates last year's expenditures on it as around $200.
Questioned about his fantasy Sonny said:
As I grow older I still want to remain a baby and constantly seek...interested daddies and mommies. This is my ultimate thrill. However, I also want to find a young man (almost impossible to find a young woman it seems) to regress almost totally for (long periods of time. Complete infantilism. Last year I bought an adult crib to help in this future activity.
His ultimate fantasy is "to become someone's baby boy, in diapers all the time". Props would include: "more baby clothing and a room in my home [equipped as] a complete nursery". "Just my friends" would be involved. His taboo fantasy (arousing but would never want to act out) focuses on permanent alterations: "teeth removed and other medical alterations to make me more baby-like".
Sonny is very satisfied with his current level of infantilism and would like to see "fewer companies taking advantage of people by offering [infantilist] items at ridiculous prices [and] more mutual support among infantilists".
How did infantilism behaviors in these people change over 5 years? The most obvious finding is that no one stopped practicing the fetish despite major life changes. For some the change was loss of a marital partner (Salvadore and Ricardo) and the result appears to have been increased infantile behavior. The restrictions posed by the change was acquisition of a husband; she was teaching him to accept her "handicap" (enuresis) and her response to it. Such acceptance would mean a continuation of her current high level of infantile behavior. Alex's wife has participated in his infantilism for sometime after he encouraged her to do so:
My wife's slow head-shaking mixed with open mouth, smiles and loving eyes let me know she finally understood it all as it was presented in total perspective (personal correspondence, July 14, 1984).
Lawrence has reached an "understanding" with his wife which allows infantilism play once or twice a month.
None of the gay or bisexual men have a regular partner who participates with them in infantile activities, but most have relationships with infantilists which involve at least social if not sexual activities. Some of these relationships are limited to correspondence (e.g. Ronald whose wife is turned off by the fetish). Others are more social than sexual (e.g. Alex, who describes a friend as: "a very close baby-pal...with whom I rendezvous, shop and play ? sometimes just a cocktail, meal and conversation - 2-3 times per year". Some are solely for sexual purposes (e.g. Carlos: as a way to reduce sexual tension). Each of these people, responds to sanctions of the fetish whether from lovers, coworkers or others and tailors expression of the fetish toward "passing", blending in with "normal" people. Powerful drives encourage acting out and equally powerful constraints, (guilt, embarrassment) limit expression of their fantasies. The majority of this group felt infantilism was less "in the closet" than 5 years ago (judging by the number of articles in sexual magazines like Forum, Letters and others) and their feelings of isolation ("I'm the only one in this scene") were lower. Not one considered infantilism "mainstream" sexual activity, though.
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