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ABDL Exit Strategies

By BitterGrey and BoTox

It has often been joked that "he who dies with the most toys wins". Among ABDLs, this joke glosses over an awkward reality - those toys get left behind and won't stay in the closet. For the spouse or grown child tasked with putting our toys away, their discovery of our interest could come at the worst time. At the end of our relationship, they would find that they never really knew us.

While the nature of the relationship might not permit full honesty, there are a few preparations that you can make to make things easier for them.

The stash

Consider composing a letter that explains your things (coming out posthumously if necessary) and expressing your wishes for those things.

To come out posthumously...

Short of coming out to your executor and/or next-of-kin now, one option would be to leave a 'stash letter.' This letter should be kept with your paraphernalia. That way, after your passing, it will be found with your 'stash.' It should attempt to help them understand and to answer their questions. Cover what you can in your own words, and give a list of sources for more information. Including URLs of good websites is a good idea, since Internet searches might involve wading though a mass of bad websites and they won't be able to ask you for help. Including an email address that the next-of-kin could direct questions to might also be a good idea.

To help with managing your things...

However, even if you are out to your family, there might still be some complications. For example, a widow might need help 'moving' items. Custom furniture would be the most problematic. She might not be able to move them physically, and be hesitant to ask neighbors for help. Here is where your relationship with the local ABDL, ageplay, or BDSM club comes into play: Local and aware friends will be able to lend a hand. The stash letter should include their contact information. It is courteous to ask the contact person beforehand, to ensure that he or she is willing to do this for you. However, it might still be better to presume the willingness of a fellow kinkster than leave your loved one to deal with your things alone.

The hypothetical widow might also wish to sell things and not know how much they are worth. Much of this uncertainty can be eliminated by having an inventory. Expecting the next of kin to check online isn't practical: That FDA-monitored, stainless steel, adult crib that a hospital would pay tens of thousands might not even sell on eBay for enough to cover shipping. Just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, the value of an item is determined by the pool of buyers.

In addition to the list of items worth selling, mention that other items aren't worth the trouble of selling. This may include used cloth diapers, plastic pants, items that can be bought cheaply at supermarkets, etc. Irrespective of how much they cost new, if you wouldn't buy them used from someone else for over some value, maybe $20, don't task your next of kin with trying to sell them.

An exception to this might be some treasured toy that had sentimental value to you, and might have sentimental value to your next of kin. Note these. In contrast to the dirty laundry, families might be too quick to get rid of the treasured toy. Stowing these toys away somewhere might be a better idea. This would permit them to be recovered in cases of posthumous acceptance.

The local ABDL club might be willing to host an auction, take up a collection, or help eBay items. They also might be willing to harbor treasured toys if necessary.

"Burn boxes"

If your collection is sufficiently small, you might consider a designated "burn box." The idea was proposed by BoTox. Basically, all paraphernalia is stored in a box, footlocker, etc. Taped to the top of the lid is a note containing instructions to destroy the box by burning, toss it in a dumpster far away, etc. This would give the next-of-kin the option of not knowing what was in the box. The box (or boxes) would be marked with envelopes labeled, for example, "Person who finds this, read first"

To the person that finds and reads this note, I must ask you a favor. This box contains a part of my life I was not comfortable sharing with others and I apologize for you finding it without a context. If I am terminally ill or dead, please discretely dispose of this box. (List the number and location of other boxes if needed.) Your silence in this final matter is requested.

If, by chance, you found this and I am still well, please keep it in strictest confidence. Ask me privately to explain myself about my "burn boxes." I will be embarrassed - red as a beet - but I will pay that price for your silence.

If your curiosity has gotten the best of you, the next page has information you may look up for yourself. (The next page would cover the other elements of the stash letter. It might be beneficial to take some steps to prevent them from being read in the wrong order, such as putting the stash letter in an envelope, with the burn box letter wrapped around it and inside the outer envelope.)

Of course, the concept would only work if you have everything in closed burn boxes.

Cleaning crews

A more complicated solution is to recruit a cleaning crew. Minimally, this would be a person who had agreed beforehand to come and take the burn box away. Their contact information would need to be included in the burn box letter.

The crew might also work covertly, with the next-of-kin aware that they are boxing up things but not aware about the details of what is being boxed up. This arrangement would need to be documented beforehand, and unless there was some other means of triggering them into action, discussed with the next of kin.

A logistically and legally much more difficult arrangement would be a secret cleanup crew, that would work fully without the knowledge of the relatives. Not only would they need keys, but also a trigger - they would need to be able to sneak in, clear things out, spread other items out to make it look like nothing was missing, and get out before the next-of-kin arrive. They would also need carefully-crafted documentation, to avoid the appearance of looting/graverobing and the risk of being convicted of theft. Unless you know good ninjas and good lawyers, this isn't a practical option.


Files, email accounts, etc., have one key advantage over other paraphernalia - they don't have mass. While physical objects would almost certainly need to be managed by someone after your departure, data is easier to hide. However, assuming your layette isn't fully digital, you'd still need to address the management of the physical items anyway, and could include your data into that solution.

The exception would be if you just had diapers. If you were passably incontinent around the family, your physical stash might be dismissed as necessary medical supplies. However, this might not be true of your files, which might be more clearly belonging to an AB/DL. Stash letter and burn box tactics might be applicable, but ensuring that those messages are read first might be difficult.


These preparations might simplify the situation for the next of kin. However, the reality is that like your toys, you won't be able to take this secret with you. Given the impracticality of ninja cleanup crews, eventually things will be at least covert with your distant next-of-kin: "I have a private life and some associated toys. That's all you need to know." This would be yet another reason for ABDLs to be open with their spouses. The choice might not be whether to let her know that you have a secret or not, but whether you will be there to help her deal with it when she learns.

- Updated:24 February 2016  1st:17 February 2016     

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