The following is an autobiographical account. Its accuracy has not been confirmed. Identifying information may have been changed or removed.
To start with, let me explain what kind of makeup I am as a person;
I am a white anglo male, 70 years old, married and of straight sexual persuasion. I am retired now, but owned and operated my own contractor business for 27 years.
I am middle classed, registered as a Democratic, pay my taxes on time and have never been in trouble with the law. I am neither a drug addict or an alcoholic. I am not a pedophile, woman beater or political discontent.
I love animals, enjoy traveling, music, shows and the overall company of others. In general, to look at me and see this personality, you would hardly believe that I have had a lifelong love and relationship with infantilism and bondage.
In the beginning, and as far back as my memory allows me, I believe it was at the age of 8 that I found myself attracted to baby things.
I loved the idea of being put into a crib, carriage or stroller, all of which dictated that baby must remain there until mommy unstraps or releases baby from his confinement.
But it wasn't like confinement as one would think of it like a prison. A mother put her baby into these devices always with love and lots of attention. Decisions were hers and not baby's. They were final and impossible to countermand but always with love, attention and a sense of closeness. Even other people would often get involved to say how cute baby was, etc., magnifying that baby was the center of attention. Besides all that, all of the juvenile furniture looked comfortable and friendly. Not threatening. If baby messed his diaper, spilled something on the floor or broke something, more often then not, there was more understanding then punishment. Instead, baby would be confined to his crib or playpen for his own good (whether he liked it or not). Putting this all together, I believe that my passion started because it would be much simpler not to grow up. To have my life continue as a controlled baby and therefore avoiding the responsibilities of growing up. That seemed both fine and safe to me. None of the worries of learning in school, defending yourself in a street fight with a bully, etc. I was certainly too young for this drive to affect me in a sexual way. So from 8 till 13, I did everything I could to wear baby pants and bibs and sit in carriages, strollers, high chairs and cribs. Each time I was able to accomplish these goals, I made believe that "mommy" had put me back into these things and that there was no escape. I had to do exactly as mommy wanted. It made me feel warm, comfortable and safe. If only it could be for real, (I thought to myself). How wonderful that would be. Even back then, I knew this had to be a very deep dark secret as I never heard of anyone even talking about such things. I thought I was all alone in my love for these things and that I must be mentally sick in some way. In spite of that fear, the drive continued and grew as I aged. It should also be noted that I actually sucked my thumb until I was 13. That, my parents and brother DID know about.
At age thirteen (I believe), was a turning point in my desire and need for infantilism and bondage. Keep in mind that up till now, bondage was playing a small role as it related to the other baby things in my life. Strapping baby into a carriage or stroller was common place and I too did these to myself whenever I was able to get into one of these items. Somewhere around 12 years of age, I started to have erections when I used baby gear on myself. I didn't understand what was going on but they came and went as I participated in locking myself into baby stuff. Then at age 13, I persuaded my closest friend into actually locking me into a baby stroller I had found and repaired and brought up to my family's apartment. He actually did lock me in as per my specifications which were faultless. Once he put on the chain and padlocks, I was for the very first time, a real prisoner in a baby stroller with no way out. After he left me, allowing my apartment front door to lock behind him, only my mother coming home from work could release me as the keys were way out of my reach. After a short time, first thinking, then struggling to actually try to escape, I saw clearly that I was actually going to be exposed to my own mother in a baby stroller that (obviously) I decided to get myself into. The thought of being caught by mom locked into this thing drove me absolutely wild. An erection like I had no other. Harder and as sensual then anything I ever experienced before.
All of a sudden, from within my underwear came a violent eruption of warm gooey liquid that spread around me. It was yet one more thing that mom would discover and I wasn't sure what it was. I thought I had made in my pants from excitement of being caught and exposed. Actually, I was right but instead of urine it was seamen. This was the very first time in my life when I "came". After, what felt like an endless eruption, I felt exhausted but also very gratified. I stopped trying to escape as there was little energy left for that and a feeling of wanting to go to sleep put me into a dreamy like state.
Soon after, mom unlocked the front apartment door and walked in. I was so embarrassed, I shut my eyes as tight as I could and explained to her that I was just "fooling around" when I got myself into this spot and begged her to get the keys and unlock the padlocks at once. She did and the only thing she said was get rid of this thing and never do this again. I immediately agreed and made the stroller "disappear". Actually I took it to a basement storage room for future use but mom never saw it again.
Soon after this experience, I went to great lengths to try and find out what had happened to me while locked in the stroller. I don't remember how long before I found out, but was elated that this action was a contribution to my entry into manhood. At thirteen, I was already interested in trying to get friendly with girls but for the most part they didn't want any part of me. My involvement into baby things, especially diapers and baby pants continued to grow. Now, with the advent of knowing that, that "feeling" was created by using baby things gave me the tool I needed to expand on my need to explore and enjoy my new found system of excitement. I learned that I could help "things" along by stroking my member once an erection was present and it was always present during the use of baby items. I also found that waterproof baby pants were also very helpful in containing the seamen in my underwear without passing through to the bed sheets which is where so much of my self satisfied sex was now coming from. Years past and I was still a virgin and my attempts at getting dates with girls were no more then feeble.
I was best friends with a guy who also suffered from lack of female companions most of the time. Compatible for us two, but certainly not helping the cause of dating and girl experience.
Experience with girls gets more critical as you enter the 16-20 year old phase.
By now, most girls can tell very quickly how lame a guy is when his experiences are limited at best. This only accelerated my need for self satisfaction as my almost dateless teenage years went by. Baby items became more pronounced and other items were about to be introduced.
In my 18th year, I was feeling very socially lonely. I had only limited dating with girls instead of some of my other friends who had full social calendars. I discovered that diapers and waterproof pants were made in adult sizes mostly for medical reasons within the incontinent market. I started buying diapers and baby pants that now really fit me. I continued to get bolder by starting to tell sales clerks that they were for me in the store.
I started haunting adult book stores which turned me on to a whole underground world of Adult Babies and Bondage. For the first time, I discovered I was not alone in my fetish needs and wants. I bought and read everything I could on these subjects. There were several pages in the back of most of these magazines dedicated to personal ads. Most were in California and I was stuck in New York City. I thought to myself that out there in California, they are really with it. They understand and appreciate this sort of thing as opposed to here where it is never even mentioned. There were also many advertisements for bondage gear and transvestite clothing. All of which was tied into the infantilism market.
I started buying lingerie and dresses. Along with my diapers, I was now dressing in french maids uniforms making believe that I had been forced into these and must be punished by using and wearing my diapers. It was very exciting for me but the one thing lacking ... always lacking ... was female participation and approval. I yearned to have that in my life.
At this stage, I was now collecting all sorts of baby and bondage gear. Each availed its own excitement for me as I used them and pretended that I was with my own significant other. After joining a college group "house plan" (similar but not quite as formal as a fraternity), I met my first wife through one of our inter college parties.
She was everything I had always dreamed of.
A Trophy wife. Smart, shapely and wanting to marry me. After our first year in New York together, we moved to Northern California. Seven years later, we divorced.
The marriage was a disaster. She needed to get away from her dominating father. Her marriage to me was her way out.
Our sex life was miserable at best. I needed my fetish items to help stimulate me and she hated their sight and what they represented. Needless to say, we were not good sex partners ... ever.
In spite of that bad marriage, I truly did love her and missed her with a very broken heart for many years thereafter.
During the next twenty divorced years, I dedicated myself to two things.
First to get all the rest of the fetish toys I always denied myself mainly because there was always someone close enough in my life to scream "disapproval".
The major priority items were an adult high chair and adult hospital crib. Both of which I could convert to actually be locked in with the same results that the first stroller had done for me so many years ago. Next was a real straight jacket and locking leather hood. They were also high on my list.
I went out shopping for these items on a regular basis. They were not always easily obtainable. But over the many years that I endured, I found and purchased each item with great satisfaction.
The next task was to find a significant other who would approve and participate in my total babyisms and bondage. This was tough. There were two times when gals got started and then found that they could not handle it. That really depressed me. I was setup completely for the very first time and no way to share my dream. But I persisted and finally found a lady who suffered from MS but was still able to be mobile and enjoyed the role of mommy/dominatrix. I, for the very first time in my life found happiness and peace. I was locked in a crib every night. I was forced to use diapers and wear them all the time. All feedings were done in a high chair. Jan enjoyed dressing me up as a sissy baby girl or french maid. If we went out, not only was I (again) always in diapers but by using the fast food restaurants, we ate mostly in the car and I was forced to eat with a baby's bib. Jan did not require sex as a general rule and therefore allowed me the choice of self satisfaction which came often as she locked me in and out of things and devices each and every day.
Fate took its day about one year after we were going along so well by making the MS active again and actually ending our relationship. Jan died and I was once again alone and truly crushed.
Not to be denied the paradise I had finally discovered that was actually real and no longer a myth or merely a wish, I went out to seek a replacement for Jan.
I remarried but not without very carefully explaining (to her) most of what you have already read on these past pages. I am now married 17 years but have discovered that there is a lot of the same problems that confronted me with previously female failures. My wife has decided that she can't handle my fetish. The outcome of which is similar to past experiences. I now feel trapped. I have the gear and have the insatiable drive to utilize it. Instead, I must use what I can on my own in an out-of-sight, out-of-mind environment.
In conclusion, my best estimation of my earliest experiences tell me that my baby beginnings were a combination of being unable to break thumb sucking for so many years coupled with the feeling of being safe and content in not wanting to grow up and face the world as an adult. Later, as I discovered the pleasures of sex as they went hand-in-hand with A/B and B/D, it became a reinforced release for me to feel "whole" even though I was so isolated socially. Finally, when entering adulthood, the ability to self satisfy filled in for intercourse inadequacies. Now I am 70 and satisfying myself has been so much a part of my day to day life, that attempting to have regular sex with my partner is very difficult for me. That is why Jan was my perfect partner. She filled my worldly needs completely.
In my particular case, sex and my fetish walk down the same path together. But this is not to say that other A/B's don't have something different in their experiences. Every person has some of those "special" things that drive their requirements perhaps for different reasons then mine. I only hope that the people who get to see and hear about people like me will leave a little understanding within themselves so as not to condemn others who have had special needs.
In summation, I can only say that I have never hurt or abused anyone.
I also wish to add that in so many encounters with trying to relate to women about how my fetish is such an integral part of what I am, I find the main issue is a visual one. They judge on what they see and never get beyond that image.
People always have the choice to see the glass as half full or half empty.
Many often make comments like "look inside" a person to see the real love and beauty.
All of which are accurate descriptions of how two people can find real compatability, but the truth is that in reality there are so many people who still "judge the book by it's cover".
In the real world, it's this visual image of what fetish driven people look like that others immediately see and reject. For those who have a warm gentle loving heart, it is a rare event for others get to see it if they immediately reject what they see.
All my life I have been and will always be an A/B B/D fetish driven person.
Perhaps some day in the future there will be more acceptance by those who lack the understanding and compassion that exists today.
A.R.
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