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Understanding Infantilism (.org)

About the Author

By BitterGrey

My oldest infantilistic memory was back in grade school, possibly fifth or sixth grade. I was regularly alone in the house for short periods on weekday mornings, which I usually spent watching TV. A couple of times I improvised a diaper from T-shirts and masking tape. This was often followed by masturbation to climax, but without ejaculation. I remember having a strong interest in diapers, although I did not understand it at the time. The only fantasy that I recall as being near this time was that my grandmother's pictures of me, as well as my brother and sisters, had been lost. In an attempt to replace them, we were individually dressed as infants. (One peculiarity of my family was an avoidance of the words "baby" and "diaper.") There was another incident, that is more of a seed from which something now forgotten developed, was one time when my mother threatened to put me back in diapers. I don't recall feeling the slightest bit against the idea.

When I got into Jr. High, things changed. I found three pornographic magazines and read them eagerly and repeatedly. An article in Nugget magazine titled "Petticoating Unruly Boys" was particularly interesting. It involved forced feminization and sprouted another, but still typical, fantasy about forced infantilism. Although the title illustration to the magazine's "exotic erotica" section was my first official experience with infantilism, I don't think I made the connection. It had a line drawing that suggested several sexual activities, including an obese man in high-heels, top hat, and diaper. I don't remember it too well, as it has been ten years since I destroyed the magazines out of guilt. I had an interest in the incontinence and baby supply sections of the sears catalog and, when I was not being watched, paid particular attention to commercials involving diapers. I also stumbled across this one Tom & Jerry cartoon showing voluntary age play and some baby humiliations, both of which I found strangely exciting. ("Baby Puss" was made in 1943, and is now available in Proxima's Nursery )

I had always been escapist, thinking that what I wanted was somewhere else. I had learned Dungeons and Dragons in grade school, and now began writing my own games. This pursuit was bound for failure, but it was a good exercise in composition: I began using my words to explore and explain.

It was around this time that I began exploring another of my curiosities, that of Christianity. Like everything else I seem to do, I just started where I was, and went on, alone: only this time, it involved a Bible. At first, there was some undertone that it was a way to bring my fantastic hopes of magic and valor to reality. This, however, faded. It was fantastic, but not in the adventure game or comic book sense. My involvement with Christianity grew, but until college, it would continue to be something I did alone.

In high school, I started reading books on incontinence and toilet training. However, I began to be affected by an unspoken regulation of sexuality. I started to feel more guilty about my masturbating, fantasizing, and wearing diapers. I tried to stop, and suffered bitterly under the guilt: Throughout High School and college it continued.

Some things did change in college, as it was there that I met other real Christians. Then a time came when I had some hard questions, such as "will animals have life in heaven" or "if God is omnipotent, why couldn't he stop death from coming upon man?" I studied and I asked, but their answers sounded made-up and lacked Biblical evidence. I continued my studies and came up with my own answers, which were different from theirs. There was no question in their mind - I was wrong and they were right. It was at this time I became a heretic; that is, I believe what I believe, not what someone else believes. There was one other change, as God stopped being something someone else talked about and started being someone real to me. At times, it was agonizing that I couldn't reach out and touch God, who seemed so close and so important to my life.

However, the guilt remained, but now I was older and more experienced. I set out to understand why I wanted to wear diapers. After some searching, I stumbled across a book on transvestism that had a short section on infantilism. I now knew, not only that it had a name, but that I was not alone. I continued to rake that library, as well as three others on the campus, as well as the libraries two other universities, and found more information. However, I did not find much more.

By experimenting and observing myself, I found that my orientation had two faces. One was quiet and docile, and seemed to be most fulfilled while suckling a bottle, in a soft bed, wearing a dry diaper, and drifting off to sleep after a reading of Servants of the Queen, a chapter in Rudyard Kipling's Jungle Book. The story was about the various roles and niches of the animals in the turn-of-the-century army. Although it requires insight to understand how, this was truly a ~vestic/infantilistic theme. The other side was lusty in the conventional sense. I think the former is dominant, shadowing over a dwarfed but otherwise conventional sexuality.

- Updated:20 March 2011     

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