By BitterGrey
I guess we all have fantasized about going further; to go past the intermittent act of wearing diapers to the enduring state of being back in diapers all the time. Well, the ~vestic infantilists at least. This type of infantilism deals with role, with self-image, and what could have a bigger effect on the self image than being back in diapers continuously, 24/7, like babies are?
That's the fantasy, at least. The day-in, day-out realities are seldom as romantic as the idle daydream, as those who are incontinent might attest. (Infantilism includes the desire to wear diapers. Incontinence is the medical need to wear diapers or alternatives. Incontinent infantilists are not uncommon.) Deep down inside, our wildest dreams may be best left as dreams.
Still, I was curious about what it would be like. Now, I was suddenly laid off. While unfortunate, it presented an opportunity: A chance to go into diapers full time. A few considerations were made, of course. First, I would be in diapers as much as practical; day and night, week in and week out. Second, this practicality would be bound by the need to return. For example, the diapers wouldn't be worn to interviews, and I wouldn't work toward becoming permanently incontinent. These considerations wouldn't be the full realization of my fantasies; being dependent on diapers forever. However, they would provide an eventual exit if things turned out a little too real.
This would be a journey, if you will, to a state somewhere between wanting and having. Here are the journals I kept.
It was my first real, full time job. This is the first time I'm unemployed, not a graduate student. The layoff, and the diapers, somehow don't seem real. They were both sudden, and haven't sunk it yet. I'm not certain if I want to go through with wearing diapers long term. There is part of me that wants to wear diapers, certainly, but there is another hesitant part. It is a big change. Each journey must begin with a sense of optimism, adventure, and perhaps something else. Will I be changed for ever? How long will I be unemployed? What if something unforeseen happens? Graduate school provided a regularity, and employment a discipline. Now there was neither. There was liberty and uncertainty.
(I would later read that those who are unemployed should hold to the same work schedule and wardrobe as when they worked. It provides a continuity: Live and learn... and then get Luvs®)
My home layette isn't even set up for long term use. I've the mix of disposables, the odd terry nappy, and a handful of plastic pants. Some more plastic pants and cloth diapers have been mail-ordered from V. Jensen. I've put the vinyl sheet on the bed, under the Lion King sheets. It is one of the cheap, textured sheets that are readily available. It has an unmistakable rustling sound. I use the bed as a couch too, so anyone I invite over will hear something. Exhibitionism, I suppose.
Well, it is halfway adapted from bachelor pad to, well, geek playpen, so I'll show you around. It is a big house in a small neighborhood in Los Angeles. Visitors are first greeted at the front door by the house Buddha. He has a polished brass smile and someone's half-smoked, cheap cigar. The house is owned by an architect/businessman who many underestimate as a redneck. His wife is a nice Filipina. The living room provides a frame for the Buddha, as there is no attempt to match the traditional Asian decorations with the Western paintings. Doors and hallways head off in a number of directions, leading to the areas of owner and renters. The divorced postal worker, the teacher hoping to make it big, and me. I'm considered the normal one.
Off to the left is the entrance to my den. Come in and make yourself comfortable. I rent a room, hallway, and restroom. They are enclosed, which permits some liberties as far as diaper wearing goes. I've lived here for three years now, and don't think they know.
As you walk down the hall, you enter the bedroom. It has a twin bed, now brightly unmade with the Disney sheets. I've got a Lion King set and a Simba's Pride set, depending on my mood. There are a number of stuffies out, either on the bed or fallen on the floor. My favorite is a wolf plushie that a friend in Florida sent, named "Midwinter." Opposite the bed is my computer, a custom Pentium II/300 LINUX box with a big Sun monitor. Nothing says 'geek' more than a bedroom without a TV. Make yourself at home, and don't worry about spilling anything on the bed - it's protected.
A routine seems to be forming. It starts with breakfast. I've been taking a liquid breakfast these days. It is quite convenient: Just take a nurser out of the small fridge below the bed, and drink it. Why a nurser? The powdered, instant breakfasts out there need to work on their scent. Of course, when it is in a nurser, you can't smell it. The olfactory stimulation is replaced by an oral one. It also seems appropriate given the rest of the scene: I'm wearing a flannel, one-piece sleeper, a thick terry diaper, and large plastic pants.
During this time, I'd try again to wet and soil. My bladder is shy, so if I haven't been wearing diapers for a while, I have trouble wetting one. This is especially true in bed. I'm still trying to think of a good compromise as far as bowel movements are concerned. I can start the movement into my diaper, but can't finish it. This could lead to constipation.
When done, I'd get up and waddle into the bathroom. The thick nighttime terry diapers are tossed into the shower, and swished around a little as I wash up. I'm not set up to use cloth during the daytime yet, so disposables are used.
The next change is usually around noon. When away from home, I keep a diaper bag with me. It looks like a large fanny pack, but holds three disposables, oil, powder, a pair of plastic pants, a washcloth, and a zip lock bag. (The bag is in case I need to pack out the used diaper.) I sometimes move my wallet, keys, and checkbook into the bag. They can fall out while changing - a year ago I lost a checkbook that way.
A terry washcloth was also carried, but isn't shown. The above picture includes some 'optional' equipment: Some extra honey, barbecue sauce, and a diaper doubler. Diaper doublers are cheap and may cause leaks. They are also 'one-size-fits every baby,' so we might end up using two.
The evening change is usually between 8 and 10 PM. Back into a thick terry, dry plastic pants, and a sleeper.
Part of really being in diapers is not controlling where and when you use them. To the best of my ability, I tried not to control. Of course, since I hadn't been in diapers long, my bladder was still hesitant to wet. This shyness passes after a while.
Anyway, I spent most of the day with a friend, driving around LA, watching movies, visiting shops, etc. He knows, and so didn't ask about my ever-present diaper bag. However, since we spent the whole day running around, it was after midnight when I was able to wet. It was at a local gas station, without a bathroom. When it finally rained, it poured. The leakage spot must have been eight inches (200 mm) across on the right. I didn't check the left. Black denim conceals many things, but it was still wet and, soon, cold. I tossed a towel over the driver's seat, and drove off, looking for somewhere to change.
There was a local park that had long since closed for the night. It was lit well enough to cut down on transients and muggers, but not brightly enough for someone else to see what I was doing. I got a pair of sweats from the trunk, closed the door, and changed in the driver's seat. There was a real sense of vulnerability. What do thugs, cops, or bums do when they see someone changing themselves? I didn't want to know. I was wet, cold, and in public, which is enough distress for me.
Inconvenient changings are an integral part of wearing diapers. Once I get better adjusted, it won't be so bad, I hope.
I've found myself starting to look forward slightly to my undiapered times, such as showers. Being inside a diaper as made my crotch and scrotum quite sensitive to the fresh air. There are also the changes, with the tingle of the soapy washcloth. This is a joy, when I take the time to enjoy it.
The warm sensation of urine flowing across my genitals continues to be pleasant. However, the thrill of putting on a diaper has mostly faded. This waning is probably not permanent.
Do you have Questions, tips, suggestions, or other feedback?