The ABDL Binge/Purge Cycle

-By BitterGrey

Not too long after I bought my first pack of adult diapers, I wore them, wet them, and swore I'd never do it again.  I even drove a broadsword through the half-used box of Attends, just so I wouldn't go and retireive it from the trash.   That resolution lasted a couple months.  The next bag was of Lucky's store brand.  It didn't get finished off either, and I got rid of all my other baby stuff too.  The cycle went around several more times before I understood it's mechanisms.  In the process, I lost some journals, a Lion King bedspread, and a number of other things.  But of all the things I've lost, the years are what I miss the most; the years spent living with a damaged self-image.

What is the "Binge-Purge cycle?"

The binge-purge cycle is an oscillation between two extremes: the excessive abstinence and unmaintainable practice.  It is commonly driven by the conflict of guilt and urge.   This behavioral problem isn't unique to infantilism, but we'll focus on that expression of it.  

Stage 1, Binge:  The cycle starts when my dammed-up urges got stronger, and I gave in.  The dam breaks down, and I binged.    Rushing out to buy disposable diapers is one of the more common ways to binge.   "Binging" may take any form, but generally is sudden, uncontrolled, and immoderate.    This stage continues as the urge is gratified.  The pressure lowers as the broken dam drains.   The binge becomes steadily less frantic, transitioning into the second stage.  

Stage 2, Emptying: As the raging flood departs, it leaves a contemplative silence.  A time to look over what I've done.  I've risked getting caught by my family,  decided to start wetting the bed, wear diapers all the time, and a seemingly endless list of other things.   In this stage I reconsider ed and started to feel guilt.  The expectations that my urges built up had been replaced by reality.   The "soft, white, warm and fluffy" was replaced with "wet, cold, soggy, and smelly."  This wasn't what I wanted for my life.  

Stage 3, Purge:  To counter the previous excess, I reacted excessively: I purged.  I gathered up diapers, bottles, pacifiers, files, pictures, and other paraphernalia.  I threw them away, donated them, burned them, or deleted them.  I swore that I would control my life and not be a slave to diapers.  Determined never again to wear diapers, I rebuilt the dam.

Stage 4, Filling: All of these oaths and convictions don't cure infantilism.  The dammed-up urges started to build up again, and the pressure mounted.   Unless something more was done, the pressure would build up until the cycle beings again.  And again.

What can be done to break the cycle?  Mend the self-image.

The only "trick" here is to focus on your self-image.   Most of us are used to walking or driving.  To go forward, we go forward.  To go left, we go left.  There is complete control.  We slow down, speed up, and stop when we want too.  Often, infantilism isn't like that, but that's how we try to live our lives.

Each time the infantilist hits the emptying stage, his self-image gets hurt.  He isn't in complete control.  It seems he isn't in any control, just a helpless ragdoll swirling in the tides.  This isn't true, but the truth is outside of the way we are used to seeing things.  Except if we are sailors.

Sailboats can go in almost any direction they want, but not as simply as a car would.   They need to work with the direction of the wind.  By angling their boat and sail, they can control where they go, even though they can't control the wind.  

We need to work with what we can control to stabilize the things we can't control.

Navigating the binge-purge cycle.

More specifically, we need to understand our cycles and ourselves, and act to stop the spinning.

We need to "study the charts" by mapping out values, beliefs, and patterns.   As you go around the cycle, any uncertainty will flip-flop.   Beliefs that were pushed one way by guilt will be pulled the other way by the desire to wear diapers.   Any gray areas will move like shadows, shifting as you go around the cycle.  This is why you should write down your values and beliefs.  Revisit them often.  Counselors, pastors, and friends can also provide objectivity.  Your viewpoint will be spinning in the cycle, but theirs will not.  They can also provide encouragement in the "filling" stage and grace in the "emptying" stage.

This 'charting' will give two other benefits.  It will help to show the cycle at work, and it will give you a better idea what tools you can use to steer.  To stop the spinning, you need to steer towards the center, and will need both of these.

While binging and emptying, pull toward abstinence.  Binging doesn't start until self-control fails.  Once it does, try to moderate it.   Pull toward a stable, sustainable center by not expressing infantilism in such an extreme fashion.   Instead of wearing, wetting and messing around the clock, just wear them for an afternoon.  Pull against the urge to go all-out.  This will slow the emptying process, so you don't hit the "purge"  stage as hard.  

Once you do hit the "purge"stage, you need to reset your sail and pull towards practice.  Purging doesn't start until you hit bottom and react.  Once you do, try to moderate the reaction.  Pull toward a stable, sustainable center by not supressing infantilism in such an extreme fashion.    Live according to your beliefs, but seek outlets that are acceptable.  Is there something that you could do to let off some of the pressure?    There are countless ways to baby yourself.  Maybe curling up and listening to a relaxing tape would work?  Maybe cleaning your room?  (Don't laugh.  It makes me feel loved and cared for.  I should do it more often.)  Or, if it is acceptable for you, wearing a diaper in moderation; once in a while instead of all the time and all the way.  Try anything that might keep the pressure below the breaking point.  

If binging re-occurs, reset your sails again and keep pulling toward the center.  At this point, the particular center isn't that important.  Stop the spinning first.  Remember the goal here isn't to be perfect or cured of infantilism, just free of the destructive binge-purge cycles.

Email BitterGrey Level: General | Status: Finished | Last Update: 14 April 2002

	For a Second Opinion: ADISC.org's wiki article on the Binge/Purge Cycle